Uncle Alfred and the Security Door Chain.

by Bob Goldsmith.

I can still remember the novelty of living in a house rather than an apartment. When I was in the house alone, which I frequently was, I could crank up the volume on the TV set as loud as I liked with no worries at all.

Grandma had volunteered to take me in while my parents solved a problem they had with accommodation and so I moved in with my mother’s mother and my uncle and aunt. My sister was little more than a babe in arms and would have been burdensome for grandma so the invitation was not extended to her.

Having me around did not impact on the old lady’s routine too much however, except perhaps on school days when she had to drive me there and pick me up at the end of the day.

On days with no school I was simply left in the house when all the grown ups were out, that’s how it was back then, not too much was thought about it. Grandma did have her thoughts on the security of a child left ‘home alone’ though. Her solitary instruction was to always keep the chain on the front door.

That front door was massive, or so it seemed to me, a massive door on a massive house. The chain was one of those security door chains that are attached at one end to the doorframe and the other end slots into a plate screwed to the door.

With the door chain in place you can open the door just enough to talk with whoever is there but the chain would prevent a person of ill intent from forcing their way in. Or so the theory went.

Aunt Lucy, my mother’s sister, and Uncle Alfred, her husband, were out at work for most of the day. Grandma did not work but did not like to spend her days in that house, most days she would make a trip up town.

Going up town could be a shopping expedition and sometimes she would take me along for the company. Most times though she went to call on one of her friends and I was not asked if I wanted to accompany her. On those days grandma never failed to leave without giving me the instruction to “Leave the door chain on.” I did too. As soon as the old lady had closed the door behind her I lifted up that thick and solid door security chain and inserted the free end into the slot.

And so that big old house became my kingdom for the day, I was free to roam all over it, and the large overgrown garden out back, safe and securely protected by that old door chain.

There were not too many callers, the odd door-to-door salesman and the like but that was about it. That door chain never came of though, I was not the world’s most obedient kid but I did heed my grandmother’s words. All went well until the day Uncle Alfred came home early.

It was a comic book that had my undivided attention. I was sitting at the very far end of the garden completely lost in the world of speech bubbles and cartoon characters. Crack! I did not know what that sound was except that in came from within the house.

Should I go and investigate? Should I see if I could somehow get the attention of one of the neighbors? A loud c-r-a-c-k like that must have been made by someone but for someone to be in the house they would have to have come through the front door and that big old front door was locked and had that big old security chain on didn’t it?

I must have made the perfect garden ornament. I stood motionless for what seemed an age when eventually I could see someone moving about in the kitchen. It was Uncle Alfred.

Uncle Alfred was not a man noted for smiling, he was not smiling as he recounted how, having unlocked the door found his way to be barred by the door's security chain. The man claimed he had banged a beat out on the doorknocker and hollered, if he did I heard neither but I heard that crack all right.

The crack was the sound of the screws ripping out of the doorframe as my uncle applied his shoulder to the door. Not a man to put too much thought to how he may solve his problem, such as walking round the back and trying the kitchen door, he simply busted his way in and the security door chain, as thick and solid as it was, did nothing to stop him.

Of course according to Uncle Alfred I was a stupid brat for engaging the door chain and preventing him from gaining entry. But Grandma would have none of that, I was commended for following her instructions and uncle was made to fix up the chain.

I don’t know but I imagine that Uncle Alfred used the same short screws to reaffix the chain to the frame that he had so easily busted out. I do know that that door chain continued to be the security for that door even though Uncle Alfred demonstrated that it was, in fact, not much security at all.

It does not matter how strong the door chain is, it is the screws that hold the chain to the frame and the screws that hold the plate to the door that are the proverbial weakest link. The longer the screws into the frame the better but the screws into the door cannot be too long of course.

A door chain is better than just opening up the door to every knock of course but why open the door to a stranger that you don’t know the intention of anyway? A better security measure would be a peephole door viewer then you can know who is calling.

Home invaders often call at a door on some pretext and then barge their way in. A door chain is unlikely to prevent that, ask Uncle Alfred. Be sure of who is at your door and if you are not, don’t open it.

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